Gone Forever
by HidingInSpace
Summary: Trigger Warnings - Self-Harm. Quick summary - Rita suffering from self-harm when work becomes too much for her and her reason why...Connie.
1. Chapter 1

**So new story, this is very close to me and I wanted to write about it. **

**Trigger warnings – it does include self-harm; please don't read if it will trigger/upset you.**

**There's so much you can write about with these two characters and this fic will probably be dark/angst and I'm not entirely sure at the moment if the end result will be Freechamp but it will be centered on Connie and Rita. **

"It's only going to take a matter of time before your out! Do you think I want a liability like you working at my ED? You're an embarrassment Rita and you're certainly not fit to be a nurse!" Connie seethed with anger.

Rita stood motionless for a second before fleeing Connie's office, she barged her way to the ladies and locked herself in a cubicle, it was then she allowed herself to cry. Why did Connie hate her so much? Rita was a good nurse…wasn't she?

Rita looked down at her wrists, she could see the faint scars staring back at her from her past. After finding out her _now _ex-husband was a paedophile it literally messed Rita up. She took to drinking to cope to deal with it all but then it escalated and she began self-harming, for Rita it was a release. A release from the abuse she got from people in the street, from the thoughts trapped in her mind that she spent half of her life devoted to that man! It wasn't till that one night when she knew she took it to far to realise what she was doing. The scars were evidence of her troubled past but they also showed that she was a survivor, Rita thought she was over that now but day in day out all she kept hearing was Connie's cutting remarks telling her how useless she was, no good at her job and that it wouldn't be long till she was out. The worst part…Rita was starting to believe her.

That's why Rita had a razorblade safely tucked away in her pocket, she had kept it with her for a week now and It sounded silly but it felt like comfort to know it was there if she ever needed a release. She picked the blade from her pocket, a tear splashed onto her hand and she just looked at her wrists, Rita knew she couldn't do it on her wrists everyone would see, it was bad enough that she was doing it and deep down Rita knew it but in her mental state at the moment she wasn't thinking clearly. For a quick release she lifted up the short sleeve on her uniform and pressed the blade down on her skin, she swiped a few times and with a shaky breath she let go and the blade hit the floor with a clatter. Rita sobbed as she held the tissue to the wound, the main door opened and she tried to control her tears but it was too late.

"Hello, are you okay in there?" it was Zoe, she was only grateful it wasn't Connie.

Rita didn't answer she didn't think she could, Zoe took a step back it was obvious someone was upset. Sighing she bent down to look under the door, it was better to be safe than sorry and first her eyes were drawn to the blade on the floor then she looked at the shoes and knew instantly who it was.

"Rita, open the door please." Zoe said softly.

"No." Rita choked back.

"If you don't open it I'll get someone who will."

Zoe needed Rita to open the door, after seeing the blade on the floor she needed to check that Rita was okay and with a slight click the door opened.

"Oh Rita." Zoe whispered.

Zoe looked on with sympathy she looked at Rita who was holding tissue to her upper arm and Zoe could see the blood spots coming through. Rita looked so fragile and she looked completely wiped out, Zoe quickly went into action kneeling beside Rita,

"Can I have a look? I need to check it."

Rita nodded and took the tissue away, the wounds were still bleeding but it wasn't deep enough to require stitches they just needed to be cleaned.

"These need cleaning Rita, I can take you to a private room and I'll clean it there, then we can have a chat about this."

"I don't want…"

"Rita this is not open for discussion." There was no malice to Zoe's tone she simply needed Rita to come with her and she definitely needed to talk to her about it. Rita stood up and sighed she threw the tissue down the toilet and flushed it. Zoe picked the blade up of the floor and disposed of it then she put her hand on Rita's back for support leading her out into the main ward. Being as quick as she could Zoe took them both to an empty room but that didn't stop Connie from seeing them first,

"Why aren't you working Rita?" Connie said looking at them both.

Rita was staring at the ground and she hadn't replied back, Connie let out a frustrated sigh and tried again.

"Rita I do not appreciate being ignored!"

"Connie, not now okay I'll make sure Rita goes back to work."

Rita looked up and Connie saw her, there was obvious evidence that Rita had been crying and Connie had no doubt that was because of what she said to the blonde nurse. She felt something inside when she looked at Rita she looked so sad, so empty. Rita tried her best to hold her tears in as she followed Zoe, Connie just watched them go.

"Okay Rita, sit down and I'll clean the cuts and apply a dressing to it." Zoe said

Rita did as she was told and as Zoe finished cleaning the cuts she gently applied the dressing. Rita started shaking as the tears fell again,

"Oh Rita come here."

Zoe pulled Rita in for a hug, she comforted Rita the best she could and when the tears eventually stopped Zoe let go and sat next to Rita.

"I understand this must be hard for you Rita but why? Rita I have to be professional about this and you are obviously not in the right state of mind to work."

Rita stood up,

"You can't send me home! Please I need this job it's all I've got. Please Zoe."

"Take a couple of days off, get yourself sorted see a counsellor I have a friend who can help you."

Rita nodded that was something she could agree well maybe not the counsellor part but on having a couple of days off would be for the best then she could come back with a clear head, but there was one problem what was Connie going to say about this?

"What about Connie?" Rita asked,

"Leave her to me."

"It's because of her you know." Rita said quietly.

"Don't take anything of what she says personally Rita, you are a great nurse one of the best on the team. I don't want to see this happening again is that understood."

Rita nodded slightly and before Zoe could say anything else Ethan knocked on the door asked for Zoe's help.

"Go home Rita, I'll speak to you later." Zoe said.

Zoe left with Ethan and Rita went to get changed, she was more than grateful for Zoe's help and for saying she could have a couple of days off. She grabbed her things and walked towards the exit of the ED,

"Why can I see Rita leaving? Her shift is not over yet!" Connie spoke,

No one wanted to reply to Connie all scared of what she would say besides they didn't know only one person did and she marched straight up to Connie.

"I've sent her home, you and me we need to talk now."

Connie's eyes flashed with anger, no one spoke to her like that! Not if they wanted to live so what was Zoe's problem! Zoe opened Connie's office and walked in waiting for Connie to follow and it didn't take her long to. Connie shut the door,

"What do you think you're doing Zoe? I don't appreciate being spoken to like that and I'll advise you not to do it again."

"Oh forget that Connie, you need to lay off Rita."

"Oh I see she came running to you did she? Christ she really is a child, listen Zoe if she's not big enough to fight her own battles then she certainly isn't big enough to work here is she."

"She didn't come running to me! What is your problem?"

"She's a liability Connie, she brought her personal life into this hospital and my daughter got taken from me because of it!"

"She brought her personal life in, it looks like you're the one doing just that. You're looking for someone to blame Connie and Rita is not the answer, you need to stop with the arguments if you can't be nice to her just be civil."

"Why should I listen to you? Rita needs to start acting like an adult then maybe I'll start being civil towards her."

"For god sake Connie!" Zoe groaned with frustration there was only one way she was going to make Connie understand that she really needed to lay off Rita and even though she knew Rita would be angry with her she couldn't see any other way.

"I walked in on her in the toilets self-harming Connie, she looked so broken and do you want to know the reason why she did it? She told me it was because of you."

"What?" Connie whispered.

Zoe went to leave the office leaving Connie to think about it but she was stopped by Connie's hand on her arm,

"Wait is she okay?"

"What do you think? I've told her to take a couple of days off and I'm going to give her a number for a counsellor just do the right thing and keep this between us."

"Of course I will but you know as well as me she cannot work here if this is happening."

"That's why I've told her to take a couple of days rest, Rita is a great nurse and I know she will overcome this she needs to know she has friends to support her. She wouldn't be going through this if it wasn't for you anyway."

Zoe walked away and to be honest Connie knew she deserved that she went and sat down; honestly she did not want this to happen she didn't know what to think. She knew the arguing was getting out of hand but Rita just pushed her buttons too many times and it was easy to have a go at her but now she knew the expense of her actions. Connie would not be the one to blame for Rita self-harming she just couldn't it wasn't something she could handle she had to fix it. If that meant when Rita was to come back being nice to her and never arguing again that was something Connie was more than willing to do.


	2. Reflection

**Reflection.**

Rita looked at her reflection staring back at her, she cupped some water and splashed it on her face then she carefully took the dressing off her upper arm. Looking back at her reflection she felt ashamed and sick, what had she become? To feel this bad she resorted to self-harm again, telling Zoe she did it because of Connie was that right? Rita shut her eyes and took a deep breath Zoe hadn't called her yet after saying she would last night, maybe she was busy or forgot either way Rita was glad she didn't want to lie to Zoe and say yes she was okay when she knew she wasn't. Rita was more than annoyed that Zoe found out that in the first place she was only glad Zoe didn't tell Connie…

Rita ran her fingers over the cuts, she felt the roughness and all she wanted to do was scratch at them but she was stopped by her thoughts when she heard her phone ringing. She left the bathroom to get her phone, she picked it up and yes it was Zoe.

"Hi." Rita said.

"How are you doing Rita?"

"Better thanks." Rita wasn't really in the mood for talking she just wanted to lie in bed.

"That's good, I have that number for the counsellor her names Catherine honestly Rita she is great and you'd really benefit from seeing her."

Rita let Zoe reel off the number as she just sat on her bed,

"Yeah I got it." Rita lied.

"So I'll see you back at work on Friday and Rita I'm here for you if you need to talk or I'm just a car journey away if you ever need company."

"Thanks." Rita sighed and put the phone down.

Rita chucked her phone on the side and she curled up on the bed, she started crying…why was she being such a bitch to Zoe? All she wanted to do was help but the problem was in Rita's head no one could help her.

It had been three days since Rita took a few days off work and today she was coming back, Connie made it into work earlier than normal she was nervous and she felt sick. She still couldn't come to terms with Rita saying to Zoe that she was the reason for her self-harming, it wasn't right throughout her life of course she had been a bitch to many people, she theoretically stamped on a few to get to where she was today but not once had this ever happened. It made Connie feel ashamed and she needed to do something about it, she went over to her office window and peered through the blinds and there she was.

Robyn and Lofty were talking to her probably asking why she had the days off, to Connie she looked happier but Connie knew more than anyone that you could look happy upfront but not actually feel like it inside. She kept on silently observing the group and then Zoe walked over, Robyn and Lofty left after what looked like Zoe telling them too and then Connie saw Rita's expression change. She had an idea what Zoe might have been saying to her probably asking if she was okay but then Rita looked directly at Connie's office and they caught each other's eyes. Connie snapped her blinds shut but not before she saw the anger in Rita's eyes, Zoe wouldn't have let it slip that she told her would she?

"How could you!? I told you in confidence Zoe."

"I'm sorry Rita but she had to know."

"Yeah and she's definitely gonna chuck me out now isn't she!"

"No she's not."

"You can promise me that can you?"

"Yes I can." Zoe put her hand on Rita's arm.

"Did you ring Catherine?" Zoe asked.

"No."

"Rita, I'm only trying to help you."

"Yeah well you shouldn't have told Connie then should you."

Rita stormed off and Zoe had to bite her lip from shouting after her, she would have to let Rita cool off she knew it wouldn't go down well telling her she had spoke to Connie but what choice did she have? It was better to tell Rita now than having Rita find out later.

Connie left her office finding Zoe going through some files she walked over to her; Zoe looked up finding Connie standing next to her.

"How is she?" Connie asked quietly,

"I had to tell her I told you Connie, she stormed off about 20 minutes ago."

"Do you really think that was wise telling her?"

"Yes I do, now if you don't mind I've got a pile of paperwork I've got to go through I'll catch up with Rita later on when she's cooled off."

Connie threw her hands up in the air,

"Are you okay Mrs Beauchamp?" Cal asked,

"Yes Dr Knight I'm…..fine if you'll excuse me." Connie saw Rita in the corner of her eye, leaving Dr Knight she made her way over to Rita.

"Can I have a word please Rita?"

"I'm busy." Rita spoke in a deadly tone.

"It won't take a minute, my office now."

Rita huffed and followed Connie into her office, when she got in Connie welcomed Rita to sit but she stayed standing and Connie rolled her eyes. Connie knew this was a delicate subject and it was finding the right way to talk about it.

"Zoe came to me yesterday, she um told me about…what you did, I want to help you Rita you ah haven't done it again have you?"

"Connie spare me the bullshit and I don't want your help, I don't want anybody's help just leave it yeah."

Rita left leaving Connie wondering what the fuck just happened, it was clear to Connie that Rita was in somewhat denial she thought she was fine? Didn't want anyone's help well it was obvious to Connie that Rita wasn't okay. Another thing Rita didn't answer Connie's question about whether or not she had harmed herself again, Connie only opened the answer was no. What was she going to do now? She didn't want to push Rita too much and she needed to have a discussion with Zoe in her heart Connie felt Rita wasn't stable enough to be at work at the moment and she dreaded having to tell Rita.


	3. Go Home

**Go home.**

Connie couldn't have Rita at work, she hated knowing this and at the end of the day Zoe should have come to Connie in the first place to suspend Rita but she gave her a chance which was obviously the wrong choice. There was clearly some deep issues going on with Rita and there was no way especially after the early office incident she could allow Rita to carry on working….sometimes Connie hated her job.

"A word Zoe."

Holding her stethoscope in one hand Zoe looked up seeing Connie in her professional stance giving nothing away.

"I'm a bit busy here Connie." Zoe said looking at her patient then at Connie.

"Ten minutes, my office."

Connie swiftly turned and walked out, the sound of her heels echoing.

"She's nice." Came the sarcastic reply from Zoe's patient.

"She's something alright." Zoe muttered.

On her way back to her office suddenly stopped in her tracks after hearing a loud crash,

"For god sake Lofty! Will you look where you're going?" Rita's voice rang out.

Lofty on his part looked positively shocked he genuinely wasn't anywhere near Rita but he saw what happened. Rita was obviously deep in though and was not paying attention to her surroundings and she walked into an empty wheelchair left by the side and the paperwork in her hand spilled out onto the floor. Rita instantly looked up seeing Lofty there who had just come over to see if she was okay but instead of accepting his caring nature she blamed him for it.

Connie stalked over to the scene,

"What's going on here?" She questioned pointing at Rita and Lofty.

"Nothing." Rita answered icily and walked away.

Connie turned to Lofty waiting for an explanation,

"Urm it wasn't my fault Mrs Beauchamp, I only came over to see if Rita was okay she walked into the ah wheelchair and then she had a ago at me. I don't know if I should say but she doesn't seem herself at all and I'm pretty worried about her."

Lofty's caring side always came through and Connie sighed hearing what he said, see now other staff were picking up on Rita's behavior which would lead to gossip and that was something Connie did not want an she was sure Rita wouldn't want it either.

"Okay I'll look into it…thank you."

Lofty glanced at Connie and did a double take; she really did just say thank you didn't she? Connie walked away and Lofty just smiled…what a weird day he thought then got back to work.

Connie caught up with Rita and before she could treat a patient she stopped her,

"Rita my office ten minutes."

"No I have Mr O'Brien to treat."

"Charlie would you be so kind as to take over for Rita."

"Uh yes, is everything okay?" Charlie said looking to Rita who was shooting daggers at Connie.

"It's fine Charlie, ten minutes Rita."

Connie hurried back to her office, she was hoping to speak to Zoe beforehand about suspending Rita and thankfully Zoe was waiting in her office. As soon as Connie entered the office Zoe asked what this was about.

"I have to suspend Rita; I have no other choice Zoe. Until she freely admits she needs help and gets it professionally I cannot have her working in my ED. She's breaking apart out there and other staff members are picking up on it."

Zoe sighed deeply,

"I wanted to give her a chance Connie, Rita's a great nurse. But I understand you think that's best and I stand by your decision and I'm sorry for telling you about Rita saying she did it because of you. Between you and me I think she used that as an excuse she didn't look to sure when she said it, she's looking for someone to blame and because of your history I guess that's you."

"Okay well I've asked Rita to come here and she should be here any minute…now." Connie finished as Rita walked straight in.

"I'm here so what do you want?" Rita said directly at Connie.

Connie was dreading having to tell Rita she had to suspend her, she looked at Zoe and she knew by looking at Zoe's face she felt the same.

"Um Rita why don't you sit down?" Zoe asked.

"No thanks I'll stand."

It silenced among the three women and Rita did wonder what on earth she was doing here? She could be treating patients and before she had chance to ask Connie spoke up.

"I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to suspend you Rita. I can't forget today's conversation and how you are acting around the ED, people are worried about you and I'm worried about you. I'm asking you to please seek professional help I cannot have you in my ED until you get yourself better. Is that clear?"

"You're suspending me?" Rita whispered not quite believing it.

"Rita you will benefit from this, you need time to sort yourself out let's not forget what I walked in on. You need to understand this is only happening because we care about you." Zoe added and Connie was silently grateful.

"This is shit! I'm fine; this is all your fault you know!" Rita spat pointing at Connie.

Connie dismissed the last part of what Rita said, for now it wasn't the most pressing matter although she wanted to know why Rita apparently blamed her but she had other times to ask that.

"You're not fine Rita." Connie said softly.

"Yes I am." Rita's voice cracked and you could hear the full emotion behind it.

Seconds later Rita fell to the floor in tears, Connie went straight over kneeling beside her she looked up at Zoe and silently mouthed to her to go please. Zoe nodded and quietly left the room, Rita was shaking as she continued crying and Connie wrapped an arm around Rita pulling her close. This kind of affection from Connie was rarely seen but there was something about Rita that got to Connie if you looked through all of the unnecessary arguing they did you would see that they actually respected each other and Connie though there was a certain charm about the younger nurse, she had a fun free spirit something that Connie envied.

"I'm not okay." Rita sobbed clinging onto Connie.

"Oh Rita I know you're not that's why I have to do this, can't you see I have no choice?"

Rita sniffed back the tears and let go of her hold on Connie, she had managed to reduce the sobbing but the tears still silently fell.

"I understand." Rita said somewhat robotically

"Promise me you will get professional help? This is the only way you will be allowed back into the ED, I need to see that you are serious about getting better."

Rita hesitated then nodded it didn't exactly fill Connie with confidence but she didn't want to push Rita anymore than what she had already done.

"Do you want to talk about this?" Connie said standing up and offering her hand to Rita to help her up.

Rita shook her head,

"I'm going to pack up my things and go." Rita said.

"Wait!" Connie exclaimed stopping Rita at the door.

"If you ever need to talk Rita, I'm here. You have my number; I just want to help you. Please let me know when you have an appointment with a counsellor."

Rita nodded then walked away, truthfully she hated herself for breaking down in front of Connie and Zoe and she was also confused. Confused from the affection Connie gave her but most of all confused by what she was feeling.


	4. Don't Push Me

**Don't Push Me.**

"Has she gone home?"

"Yes, she went to collect her belongings and went."

"How did she seem?"

"Oh Zoe how do you think? I wish I didn't have to do it but I had no choice." Connie sighed.

"Don't beat yourself up over it, like you said you had no choice all that needs to happen now is we need to make Rita knows she has support from us and just hope she gets the help she needs."

"And what if she doesn't? There's something else behind all of this I can see it in her eyes."

"If you really believe that, go and see her maybe she will open up to you and you can make her see its okay to accept the help given to her."

"I don't know if that's a good idea Zoe given our previous history."

"Maybe not but it was you who she broke down in front of wasn't it, I think she was crying out for someone to help her and honestly I think that's you."

Zoe walked away and it left Connie thinking about what exactly Zoe had just said, maybe she was right Rita could have been crying out but it still begged the question why? And still the one question burning inside of Connie was why Rita felt the need to blame her.

All through shift Connie kept hearing Rita's name from other people gossiping wondering where she was and Connie was ready to snap at them, didn't they know better than to gossip! She walked past Lofty and Robyn talking about her and she finally snapped.

"Right everyone listen up, I've heard a few of you discussing where Rita is and to stop all of the gossip Rita will be off work for some time for personal reasons and if I hear anybody talking about it again, I will see you in my office. Is that understood?"

A chorus of yes's were heard and everyone scurried off back to work, feeling satisfied Connie went back to her office. She couldn't stop thinking about Rita and what she was doing right now, was it a good idea to go round after work to see if she was okay?

When Rita left the ED she got into her car and sank back against the seat, she closed her eyes trying to get rid of the sinking feeling of how much she had fucked up. Despite breaking down in Connie's office and admitting she wasn't okay, Rita was still reluctant to accept the help given to her it wasn't worth it no one could help her well that's what she thought…

Rita got back home still feeling like shit, what made it worse was being suspended from work it meant that she would be spending a lot of time at home alone. Her thoughts whirled around in her head like a tornado and there was nothing to distract her from it, no work and nobody around. She sat back against the sofa and truly thought about why she was feeling like this, she cast her mind back to when Zoe cleaned her cuts and what she said to her about blaming Connie and then she blamed her again but this time to Connie's face. Rita knew deep down it really wasn't Connie's fault the problem lay with Rita and what she was feeling. The feeling of loving someone you really shouldn't, how she knew she didn't deserve to love or be loved by anyone since Mark and the person who she wanted yes it was Connie. It was so fucked up, the constant arguing they did, the words they spat at each other it just fuelled Rita's desire for Connie even more. It all came to be too much for Rita to handle she knew that and that's how she got to this stage, she wasn't harming because of Connie it was because of what she was feeling for her. It was destroying Rita, in her mind after what happened with Mark and the terrible decision she made of defending that monster, the feeling of love again was terrifying and the only way she knew of how to release that feeling was by self-harming. It only took away the hurt for a few moments after though, maybe she did need help? Rita groaned and ran her hand through her hair, what was she meant to do now? She wasn't even angry about being suspended from work…well not anymore; she half expected it anyway now she just felt ashamed. More so because she got found out by Zoe who then told Connie now that was far too much for Rita to take.

Rita looked at the time and sighed; she would have been finishing work right about now she wondered if anyone noticed she wasn't there, probably not she hadn't received any texts or calls.

She made her way in the kitchen in need of a drink anything to make her forget, she opened her cupboard and all that stared back at her was a half empty bottle of vodka that would have to do. She grabbed a glass and the bottle and made her way back into her living room, sitting down she poured a bit into the glass and then chucked it back in one go. She felt the burn at the back of her throat instantly as well as the buzz; she poured some more what did it matter if she got drunk? She wasn't at work tomorrow or the next day or the next day…Rita laughed bitterly to the empty room.

Rita swayed to the bathroom; the first thing she noticed was how much of a disaster she looked, her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was mussed and she just didn't look like herself. She hit the mirror not wanting to look at herself anymore and it cracked slightly then she looked at her knuckles which were bleeding, she slid to the floor the amount of alcohol she drank taking its toll on her.

"I need help, please someone just fucking help me." Rita slurred as she shut her eyes.

In the living room there was the tipped over glass next to the vodka bottle and next to that was Rita's phone buzzing. It was Connie ringing her for the second time but oblivious to it was Rita asleep in the bathroom.

"You have reached the O2 messaging service for – "

"Urgh!" Connie growled.

Connie was starting the worry now, this was the second call she made to Rita and still it went unanswered. Maybe Rita's phone was on silent or maybe she just didn't want to answer but then maybe she had done something to herself. Not wanting to wait a minute more Connie slipped on some flats and hurried into her car at this point she didn't care about anything but Rita's safety. She got to Rita's in a record time; Connie stood outside the front door and knocked twice…nothing. She tried again still nothing, last attempt this time she tried the handle and it was open. As soon as she walked in the musty smell of alcohol hit her, she switched a light on first looking into the kitchen and then she went to the living room. Cushions on the floor, a glass tipped over and a bottle of vodka on the table along with Rita's phone. Connie shook her head and shouted Rita's name, there was no reply so she went to look in the other rooms she hated being this nosy it really wasn't her but she had to know if Rita was okay.

Connie saw a light shining underneath a door and she slowly opened it, her hand covered her mouth as she saw Rita lying on the floor. She quickly kneeled down beside her,

"Rita, wake up!" Connie urged,

"Mmph." Rita groaned.

"Oh thank god." Connie muttered.

Connie stood up and found an empty glass on the side she filled it up with some cold water and nudged Rita again this time Rita opened her eyes, she squinted at Connie.

"What are you doing here?" There was still a slur evident in Rita's voice.

"Making sure your okay and I can see you're not."

"I'm fine!" Rita protested.

"Oh really well I'd like to see you when you're not fine then."

Rita sighed and pushed herself up, she felt dizzy and held onto the sink for support when the dizziness subsided she looked at Connie who was looking concerned.

"Here I got you some water." Connie said offering it to Rita.

"Thanks." Rita out stretched her hand and that's when Connie noticed the blood on Rita's knuckles.

"For god's sake Rita, what happened?"

Connie held Rita's hand so she could have a proper look at it, luckily they were just scrapes but still she needed to clean them. Rita looked down and only then did she remember what she had done, she looked at the cracked mirror then back at Connie who followed her movements. Connie didn't ask any questions she simply guided Rita out of the bathroom and into the living room, she made Rita sit down and she went to find something she could use to clean Rita's hand. When she came back Rita was holding the shakily holding the glass of water in her hand,

"Are you okay?" Connie asked her concern peaking.

"Yeah just hung over I guess." Rita said quietly.

"Mhm and your hand…?"

"Is fine thank you."

"Really?" Connie asked arching her eyebrow.

"Okay it's hurting alright."

Connie expected it did, she bent down with the clean towel she found and dabbed on Rita's knuckles cleaning away the blood.

"Really Rita you're a nurse and you don't have any medical supplies?"

"Ow!" Rita pulled her hand away.

Connie gently took a hold of Rita's hand and brought it closer to her, she stroked her finger across Rita's wrist.

"I'll be gentle this time."

Rita nodded and let Connie continue with cleaning it to be honest she was more confused about the split second of what seemed like affection Connie gave her. Connie inspected Rita's knuckles for the second time and she was satisfied Rita would be okay, an awkward silence surrounded them and Rita didn't know where to look. After what seemed like an eternity Rita spoke although it more of a whisper.

"Why did you really come round Connie?"

"Because I care." The words rolled of Connie's tongue.

"No you don't your just saying that, no one cares!"

"I do." Connie stated firmly.

Rita stood up and turned her back to Connie, Connie walked over ready to place a hand on Rita's shoulder, sensing what was happening Rita said no.

"Please don't, just go."

A hand hovering above Rita's shoulder, Connie was what annoyed? No, upset? Maybe a little. Why did Rita feel the need to push her away couldn't she see that Connie genuinely cared for her welfare?

"I'm not going anywhere."

Rita wiped her eyes trying to hide the tears from Connie it would just cause unnecessary questions, she needed Connie to go she couldn't deal with her stubborn attitude and her being here only elevated Rita's feelings even more so than what they were and Rita she just couldn't deal with it.

"I can't deal with this Connie; I really need you to go."

"Rita don't push me away, how are you going to get through this if you don't talk about it? I want to help you, how many times do I have to tell you."

"Urgh! You know what I don't care stay if you want but I'm going to bed."

Rita made her way to her bedroom and before opening the door she took one last look at Connie who was staring back at her, Rita walked in and shut the door.


	5. Why Couldn't You Have Gone?

**Why Couldn't You Have Gone?**

Rita sat up on her bed; she hadn't heard any movements from outside her room so she assumed Connie was still here. There was no way she would be sleeping tonight, a part of her felt like a complete bitch leaving Connie out there but as much as she wanted to just be comforted by her at the same time she couldn't, she wouldn't allow herself. She ran her fingers over her knuckles where Connie had cleaned them, why was she being nice? It would be easier if they were still arguing that way Connie wouldn't have come round, they wouldn't be in this situation and Rita wouldn't be feeling like such a bitch.

Connie was still standing looking at Rita's bedroom door; she wasn't leaving no matter how much Rita wanted her too. It was frustrating, it was so frustrating the fact that Rita was pushing her away but Connie knew it would take time for Rita to open up and she was willing to wait however long it took. Rita was becoming a very important person in Connie's life and she knew it. Connie walked closer to the door ready to knock but she stopped herself maybe it was better to give Rita a bit of alone time, she turned back and looked at the mess in the living room and decided to tidy up.

After picking up the pillow and placing it on the sofa Connie sat down in silence, it was getting late and she was feeling pretty tired. She closed her eyes' taking in the silence well that was until she heard what sounded like crying coming from Rita's room, she quietly walked up to the door just to confirm that it was cries and she was right. Connie should have been torn by what to do and walking away would have been the easy option but that wasn't who Connie was, she was never somebody to take the easy option. Gently Connie pulled down the handle and let herself inside; even though it was dark she could see Rita curled up on her bed, her body shaking slightly as the tears made no attempt to die down.

Connie took her shoes off and climbed onto the bed, she scooted closer to Rita wrapping her arms around her. No words were spoken but they weren't needed, Connie kept a strong but soft grip on Rita she wanted to wipe the tears from Rita's face but feared it might push Rita too far. Rita turned herself around still in Connie's arms she didn't look her in the face but she rested her head down on her chest, Connie kept an arm wrapped around her and with her other hand she found Rita's hand. The impulse was too hard to resist and she interlocked her fingers with Rita, she half expected Rita to push her hand away but she never instead her breathing levelled out, the crying had stopped and it was then Connie knew that Rita was asleep. Connie allowed her eyes to close; knowing that Rita was safe was all she needed as she fell into a deep sleep.

Morning came and Connie opened her eyes, she groaned in discomfort her arm which was still holding Rita had lost all feeling in it. She wiggled her fingers and carefully got her arm back, she peered over Rita's shoulder to look at the time it was still early but at least she would have enough time to nip back home to change before shift started. Connie stared at Rita, she looked so peaceful better than what she had been looking, her soft rhythmic breath was enough to lull Connie back to sleep. Instead she leant over to kiss Rita on the forehead but stopped herself, Connie shook her head and got off the bed she slipped her shoes back on making her way towards the door. Connie stopped looking back at Rita and with a wistful smile she left, she stopped in the kitchen looking for a pen and paper so she could write a note for when Rita got up. After writing the note, Connie left hoping to hear from Rita later on.

Rita rolled over and stretched her arm out, she patted the spot to the side of her but it was empty opening her eyes she could have sworn Connie was with her last night. She looked at the time and it read 9:30 Connie was probably at work, Rita looked back at where Connie lay last night, she ran her fingertips over the pillow and pulled them away quickly. With little enthusiasm Rita got herself out of bed and into the kitchen, she made a cup of tea and then came across the note Connie had left.

_Rita,_

_I hope you slept well, sorry about leaving so early. Work! _

_I really hope you are okay and if you need anything please call me. _

_I DO care about you._

_Connie._

A ghost of a smile was on Rita's lips but as quick as it was to appear it disappeared quicker, this was not meant to happen! This was just making it too much for Rita, if Connie had just left like Rita asked her to…It couldn't happen, Rita was already closer than she wanted to be with Connie she had to keep her distance for both of their sakes. Rita pretty much slammed her cup down on the side, she had the sudden urge to harm herself was it because of last night? Because she gave in and let herself be comforted by Connie, Rita knew that was the reason.

Rita made a fist with her hand; she tried to think of reasons not to do this but came up short. She picked up the note from Connie and on her way to the bathroom she chucked it in the bin only focused on the one way she knew of how to release the pain and anger and the shame...


End file.
